How to Set Boundaries: 8 Tips From a Recovering People Pleaser

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As a recovering people pleaser, setting boundaries has been a difficult thing for me to learn. I’ve been lucky that I don’t have many in my life who are boundary stompers, but setting boundaries has still been something I’ve had to work on.

It’s something that I have to be conscious of all the time—especially since becoming a mom. That’s really when I realized it was something I needed to work on.

When I had a well-meaning family member not want to give back my crying infant when he was just weeks old, I knew I needed to learn how to set boundaries for his sake.

I’ve researched and worked through what works for me since my first son was born. Here are the things I’ve found to be most important to think about while learning to set boundaries.

1. Recognize the Need for Boundaries

This one may seem silly, but if you don’t realize you need to set boundaries, it will continue to feel like the arrangement isn’t working. For a long time, I had no idea I needed them.

So, the first step is recognizing when and where they’re needed. It’s a process to learn to set boundaries, especially if you grew up not having your boundaries respected, like so many of us.

If you were conditioned to say yes and ignore your own boundaries, it is really challenging to recognize when boundaries are needed.

How many of us were forced to hug relatives we didn’t want to?

But if you’re feeling anxious about letting someone down even though what they’re asking really doesn’t work for you, that’s a good indication that boundaries are needed.

2. Use Clear and Concise Communication

A key part of how to set boundaries is clear communication. Be direct but kind in your delivery when you decide on a boundary.

For example, if a family member asks you to do something for them on the weekend, but you already have plans, you could say, “I can’t this weekend. But I can do it on X date.”

Or if it’s something you just don’t want to do, “That won’t work for me. I think it’s best if you find someone else to help.”

Try not to over-explain yourself when communicating your limits. As a people pleaser, this one is tough for me. I’m getting better at it, but it takes a lot of practice.

I keep at it, though, because clear communication can help avoid misunderstandings and reduce any potential guilt you might feel.

You’ll still feel some guilt in the beginning, but I’ve been finding that that has started to go away the more I’ve practiced.

3. Prioritize Your Own Needs First

One of the most empowering aspects of learning to set boundaries is putting your and your family’s needs first. It’s also probably one of the most challenging aspects if you’re a mom.

There is a seemingly never-ending list of things to do to care for your family. It can be overwhelming even if you’re doing just the bare minimum.

So, getting caught up in making everyone else happy is easy. It’s your default mode.

But your mental health is just as important. If you need a break, take it. If doing things for others doesn’t work for you, that’s ok.

It can be challenging to break out of this way of thinking, but it gets easier the more you do it.

Remember, it’s ok to prioritize your well-being and that of your family.

4. Manage Expectations with Family

This one goes hand in hand with communicating your boundaries clearly. But especially with family members who like to stomp on boundaries, they need to be told in no uncertain terms what you mean.

Make sure they’re aware of what the consequences of ignoring your boundaries are. For instance, if you have someone who continues not to give your infant back to you when you ask, you could tell them that if they can’t respect that boundary, they’ll have a time out from seeing your child.

Sometimes, when you have someone who likes to ignore boundaries, you have to tell them repeatedly. It’s up to you how many chances you’re willing to give, but try not to give too many. Otherwise, they won’t take you seriously.

And if they don’t respect the boundary, make sure you follow through. This is easier said than done, especially in the beginning. But the more you do it, the more confident you’ll feel.

5. Limit Social Media Usage

This one can be tough for many, myself included. But if I’m on social media too much, I notice a shift in my mood.

This typically means that I’m less confident in my decisions, especially when conversations happen online and it feels like more than one person is criticizing me at once.

That’s not to say I don’t use social media at all—I definitely take breaks to scroll on my phone. But I limit my posts and don’t open myself up to too much input.

I know what’s right for me and my family—the only input I typically want is my husband’s.

This way, I feel like I’ve had some time on social media, but I’m not letting it take over.

As with everything, it’s a work in progress, and I’ll still sometimes find myself slipping and using it more than I’d like.

6. Say No to Overcommitting

This one is difficult for my husband and I. We have been chronic overcommitters since before we had kids.

There often wasn’t much downtime throughout our week. If we needed to reschedule things, there was always a lot of discussion and rearranging to try to fit something new in.

I will say that having kids has helped us curb this to a degree, but it’s something that we both still very much struggle with.

It’s very easy to overcommit with family and kids, so we fight this battle constantly!

But when we can find more of a balance, we find that we all feel a lot better.

7. Create Routines

Creating routines can be a game-changer when setting boundaries with family. Establishing consistent routines gives everyone clear expectations about when you are available and when you’re not.

For instance, since my husband and I started dating, we’ve gone out for breakfast on Saturday mornings. We’ve continued to do this even after having kids. Everyone knows this, and we rarely get requests for things at that time.

This helps you protect your energy and prioritize your needs without feeling guilty. For example, setting specific “me time” each day or scheduling family activities can reduce last-minute demands on your time.

Having these routines in place makes it easier to say no when needed because the structure gives you the confidence and clarity to honor your boundaries without overextending yourself.

8. Be More Self-compassionate

This one can be difficult for a lot of people, moms especially. Women tend to hold themselves to a higher standard than others.

So this one is going to take a lot of work. I’ve found it’s an ongoing project for me.

The more I practice self-compassion, the better I get at it, but I certainly wouldn’t say I’ve mastered it.

Some days are good, and I can see all the good and not worry so much about the bad. But other days are a little more challenging.

I have to be conscious of it and really work at it to change my mindset. Every time I think a disparaging thought about how I’ve let someone down, I do my best to correct that thought.

It takes a lot of practice, but I get better all the time.

Finding a Happy Balance

Learning to set boundaries is difficult. You’ll likely get some pushback at first, but when you follow through, they realize you mean what you say.

It takes some work, but we’ve found that the more we set boundaries and ensure they’re respected, the happier we are.

It’s certainly not easy for us chronic people-pleasers, but it’s necessary for the happiness of our families.